I actually don’t know where to start or how to start this… It just that, I don’t want to restrain these feelings of frustration and disappointment all at the same time anymore.
Ever since I was in grade school all I do was to write and write novels, and I can say that I really found my happiness in the art of writing. I crave and crave for it no matter what I do or wherever I go, but the thing is, I myself doesn’t believe that I am a good writer.
I was so pitiful hiding with many username, voting for my own story and sharing it to my “other” sns accounts. I was hiding all along, just because I lack confidence. I am afraid of grammatical errors, misspelled words, and critics especially to the people who I really know in person.
At first I was really enjoying myself, but as time goes by, as I get older, that happiness of mine slowly disappears and became my weakness…
I went to high school still carrying my passion in writing. I was excited and all especially when updating my stories online that nobody really appreciates. I thought it was just a simple hobby, a past time that I really enjoy every now and then, a world that I share with nobody, just with the characters that I myself created, it was really an intangible thing that I never expected to become a dream.
I realized it when I was close to the end of my high school, it was actually the time when visions, goals and dreams where being talk about. What course will you take when you enter college, what do you want to be, who do you see yourself after 5 or 7 years, the usual questions that brings your hopes up for your own success in the future.
And those hopes and visions were the things I brought to my college life. I took up AB in Communication in one the university in Manila, knowing that it was somewhat close to writing though it focuses more on media, but I’m still thankful that I went to this path because I came to know other types of writing that I don’t usually write.
Well my schooling went well since I really do love it, until I finished it without even knowing how. I mean I felt like time was rushing me, and I just found myself sitting beside my mother with a black toga listening to one of the speakers in my graduation.
Again, just like the moment before my graduation in high school, all the people around me sets the bar high! And there I am hoping and hoping and hoping, that after graduation I will sooner or later get the vision that I always look for.
But then, after that day, after that month, for the very first time, reality strike me…
I’ve got my first work after a month that I’ve graduated, and I tell you, it was really really really hard, especially when your heart doesn’t belongs to it. At first it was okay, but after 2 months or so, I just found myself dragging my feet to go to work. My soul was in misery, my brain just got stuck, and all the years I spent for college were gone.
It was a repetitive work, and what frustrates me is that, even if I do it everyday, I am not really getting any better though people around me was all cheering for me. And then one of my coach said, “You have to be better for money.”
And yes I admit, we work for “money” and it was not easy to get your dream job right away. Everyday as I wake up, I always thought of resigning but what could I do?? After running away, what’s next?? Where will I go?? Will I really get what I want?? Will all the people around my next job be good to me??
Things were extremely mixed up, I always thought I did the right thing, I choose the right path, but why? Why am I being disappointed and frustrated? In my whole life, this was really the first time that I got really stressed.
Looking for another job, applying for the position you like and being the person you want to be, were never been easy. The word, “rejection” was always there, and no word can describe how much it hurt when that thing strike you so many times.
Well, I don’t want to end this article for just pessimistic thoughts. Actually after writing this, my senses came back and I now remember the reason why I even started this. There is no need to me to be very stressed out because I’m still young and maybe in time I will get there, I just need to be equipped in order for me to be ready as I aim to that target. 🙂